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Terrified

I’ve been trying to stay busy with my Etsy shop and other projects, but regardless of how busy I am, my thoughts always wander to what’s buried underneath the surface…. the sadness and worry that comes with experiencing a miscarriage and infertility. The baby I’ve lost and the baby I hope to one day have are both on my mind literally 24 hours a day (even in my dreams). I am consumed by this all-consuming desire to be a mother, to make my husband a father, and to give my parents and in-laws a grandchild. I feel like a failure with every passing unsuccessful cycle. I feel like less of a person - less of a woman.

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On Thursday, we’ll find out if IUI #2 was successful. I have the typical Aunt Flo/pregnancy symptoms that are expected at this point in my cycle. It’s really annoying that the symptoms are the same for both… it’s like a cruel joke! I won’t pee on a stick; I refuse to. It has caused too much heartache in the past. Instead, I’ll wait for the results of my blood work on Thursday. I know I should be hopeful, but I’m terrified. If the results are negative, it’s another heartbreak and another failed IUI (leaving 4 more before moving on to IVF… if we can afford it). If the results are positive, then I’ll of course be over-the-moon happy, but terrified still. Until my baby is alive and healthy in my arms, I’m going to be scared that I’ll lose it.

I’m already mentally preparing for a difficult pregnancy. Because of my history with cervical cancer, the state of my cervix is cause for concern. When we do get pregnant, I will have a high-risk doctor and will most likely be seen at least once a week so they can check my cervix. I may even end up having to get a cerclage and will probably be on bed rest toward the end of my pregnancy. So the positive pregnancy test will just be the beginning of a challenging road ahead (but what’s new, right?).

A few days ago, I was trying to remember the last time I was happy… truly 100% happy. It was June 21, 2015… Father’s Day… the day of my only positive pregnancy test... the day we found out about our angel. Since our angel baby left us, I have felt an incredible void, a hole so deep it feels like people can see right through me. And while another child could never replace our angel, it made me wonder… if I can’t have a baby, will I ever truly be happy? Will I ever feel whole? Sadly, I don’t think so.

 

Quoted: “Never let go of that fiery sadness called desire.” - Patti Smith

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