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I just knew..

We found out last Thursday that my suspicion was correct - I am not pregnant. I had a feeling the first round wasn’t successful. I knew it deep down in my soul. I weeped the entire 45 minute drive to the doctor’s office. more

By the time I got back home, I had pulled myself together. I had to - work is crazy busy right now and I can’t afford to let anything fall through the cracks. There is no time for a pity party. On top of work, I had to prepare for the arrival of our 7 house guests. Needless to say, I had plenty to keep me busy.

Our pals arrived Friday afternoon for the kickball tournament, and we were on-the-go non-stop through Sunday. Mike’s team did well on Saturday - made it to the elite 8! One of my good friend’s went to the finals in the ladies’ tourney on Sunday. It was unseasonably cold on Sunday, but we discovered a sweet little concoction to help us stay warm - hot chocolate with a shot of Fireball! Yes, seriously. It was delicious. I don’t drink often, but since I’m not pregnant and it was a “special weekend,” I allowed myself to let loose a little bit. All in all - it was a good weekend.

We’ve been really open with our friends about going through fertility treatment. We saw them back in February right before we started round 1, so naturally, they were interested in how things are going. Most everyone was really supportive and didn’t say anything stupid or annoying. Most of them are genuinely curious about the process and are hopeful that we’ll be pregnant soon.

It was mentioned though that, “It’s all mental.” (Yea… like I’ve never heard that before.) Most of the time, I take this type of comment in stride and let it go. But other times, I’ll address the statement by explaining my diagnosis and that this isn’t something that’s “just in my head”… this is a real medical condition; I wouldn't have a shit-ton of doc appointments if it was "all mental." I know most people say things like this because either (a) they don't know what else to say or (b) they think they're giving some kind of advice. I know it's just ignorance and not meant to cause harm, but it still sucks to hear... like it's my fault I can't get pregnant. It minimizes a very serious condition.

So here we are at the start of IUI round #2. I’m currently on cycle day 4 and will be starting Clomid tomorrow. I went in yesterday for my CD3 blood work and ultrasound. This time around, I have 10 antral follicles on the right ovary and 8 on the left. That’s a considerable increase from last cycle (4 on the right, 2 on the left). So that’s positive!

After my appointment, the nurse called saying that Dr. Fogle wants to meet to discuss a plan B if this cycle isn’t successful. Plan B already?! I was a little taken aback by this, but might as well chat with her and hear her perspective. We expect that if round 2 isn’t successful, she’s going to recommend that we move on to IVF. Mike and I talked last night though and determined that there is absolutely no way we can financially afford IVF out-of-pocket. In our minds, the only option we have is to continue with IUIs until we’ve exhausted the 6 rounds that insurance requires prior to moving onto IVF. In other words, we can only move forward with IVF if it’s covered by insurance (which will only happen after 6 IUIs). It’s a total bummer, but this is the hand we were dealt and we have to make the best of it.

Last week, after she told me the IUI wasn’t successful, I asked the nurse if there was anything else I could do to help my chances of getting pregnant. She said that I’m healthy, that my hormones are all normal and that there’s nothing more to do; she explained that there’s no guarantee and it’s just “one of those things.” I knew all of this, but I had to ask. I have decided though that I’m going to try to be more active, drink more water and cut out caffeine completely. I didn’t have much caffeine before (maybe 3 coffees a week), but I’m willing to try anything at this point. I’m going to miss my iced caramel macchiatos; that’s my treat on Friday mornings - my reward for making it through another week!

I’m going to try to stay busy this round. I can’t let my mind wander… that’s when I go to the dark, twisty places and become incredibly sad. I have a stack of books sitting on my nightstand, I’m looking for another gym, I just received a new record player (early birthday gift), there are plenty of projects to tackle around the house, Spring has sprung and the weather is warming up… there’s plenty to do!! I just gotta get off my ass and do it! I know I'll feel better and I'll feel happier when I do...

 

Quoted: “What we think, we become.” - Buddha

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