Aretha knows what's up!
Today marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week in the US. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve in February, so I haven’t been a part of this community for long, but in this short time, I’ve come to realize even more the importance of respect. It’s important to...more
...respect those who are able to conceive/have children. Don’t hold it against them when they complain about their pregnancy/kids. They aren’t complaining to piss me off. Heck! They’re not even thinking about me! Their struggle is their own, and they’re allowed to vent. Just like my struggle is my own, and I too am allowed to vent.
...respect those who may not agree with us. They may disagree with the fact that we’re seeking treatment or working this hard/spending this much money on something that’s not even a guarantee. It’s ok that we don’t agree, because this is my journey, not theirs. We’re all so different and lead very different lives. Could you imagine how boring life would be if we all went through it the same way?!
...respect those who don’t want kids, or may not understand our desire to become parents. When it comes to having a family, I like to think there’s a spectrum of people that goes something like this:
Couple A wants more than anything to be parents. They’re willing to do whatever it takes to have a child… timed intercourse, IUI, IVF, adoption, etc.
Couple B is of the “if it happens, it happens” mindset. If they have kids, great! But if they don’t, that’s ok too.
Couple C has no desire to have kids. They’re perfectly content living a life without children.
And couples can move all over this spectrum depending on where life takes them. And ya know what? The path that each couple chooses is right! There’s no one way to do anything! There’s simply the way that’s right for me as I travel through this crazy, mysterious thing called life.
....respect others battling infertility. Everyone’s story/diagnosis/treatment is different. Fertility treatment is not “one-size fits all.” It varies from person to person. (That’s why it’s so difficult for us to hear “Oh! My sister’s husband’s mother’s cousin did IVF and it worked the first time” or “My co-worker adopted a child and got pregnant.”) And just like treatments vary, so do emotions. Some people may seem to have it all together, but I don’t know their heart. They could be smiling on the outside, but be broken in a million pieces on the inside.
...respect those who say stupid shit! (Yes, this is a thing.) No matter what we’re going through, there are always going to be people who say stupid shit, give terrible advice, don’t have a filter, make offensive comments, etc. I’ve learned to take this in stride. If someone says something that offends me, (depending on the day) I’ll either educate them in a kind, respectful way or I’ll just ignore the comment altogether. There’s no point in getting all worked up over someone's opinion. Instead, I may say something like, “That’s your opinion. While I don’t agree with it, it’s your right to have that opinion,” and move on.
...respect myself. (This is a hard one for me.) During this fucking insane ride called “infertility,” it is so important to have respect for mind, body and soul. In the midst of all the shit, I've allowed myself to fall by the wayside. But I cannot forget about the person who will (hopefully) be carrying a baby one day. Not only do I need to be healthy physically, but I need to have a healthy mindset as I continue to navigate this experience. That doesn’t mean I can’t/won't have bad days; it just means that I won’t let the bad days outnumber the good ones. I try to let myself “feel all the feels” and move through the emotions rather than burying them. I try to eat healthy and treat my body as a vessel that will one day hold our most precious gift.
Over the past few months, I began speaking very negatively to myself - borderline abusive. I would say things like:
You’re not a good enough wife/daughter/granddaughter.
You are less of a person - less of a woman.
God didn’t think you’d make a good mother.
You aren’t worthy of having a child. You don’t deserve it.
Maybe we should get a divorce so my husband can have the chance to be a father.
And on and on…
This type of shit-talking is NOT good for the mind, body or soul! Lately, when I catch myself going to those dark, twisty places, I try to replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts instead. I try to tell myself:
You are good enough.
You are a strong person - a strong woman who will get through this.
God would not give me this desire to be a mom if he didn’t intend on it happening in some way.
You are worthy! And you will be a great mom.
Mike would NEVER leave me… He loves me no matter what. He always says, “I’m not going anywhere” and I have to trust that.
This tactic takes practice, but it seems to be helping.
So in a nutshell - as we, members of this planet, maneuver the complexities of life, it's so important to remember that everyone has their own path that’s right for them. Respect the struggle. Respect the journey.
Quoted: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” ― Wendy Mass, The Candymakers
Listen In: “Best of You” by the Foo Fighters