30

I turned 30 on Monday. Last Saturday, my mom treated me to a spa day, and we had some friends and family over for a cookout that evening to celebrate. It was fun, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t riddled with worry and sadness. Not the whole time, but both emotions crept in pretty often (which seems to be a trend these days). Some of my thoughts…more

• I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday with my husband and our sweet month-old baby….

• Will I ever be able to give a child to Mike/grandchild to Mom and Dad?

• How will we pay for IVF? And if that doesn’t work, will we adopt? And if so, how will we afford that?

• Will we be treated differently if we don’t end up having children at all? And if we don’t have children, will we be ok?

These are just a fraction of the thoughts I have on a daily basis. It’s hard to escape the vortex of negativity when I’ve been sucked in. My hour-long commute to and from work doesn’t help. I’ve found that when I’m alone too long, my thoughts turn dark and twisty (not good).

I have, however, found a new distraction and a way to keep myself busy. After last week’s news that IVF will not be covered by insurance, I did the only thing I know to do - I made a plan for how we can save and raise money for treatment. I have a few things in the works and will report back when they’ve come to fruition. In the meantime, I feel like I now have a goal to work toward… and that’s something I can control.

Having no control in this journey has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with. My body is an asshole and I can’t really do anything about it. Sure, I’m taking my meds and supplements, eating well and blah blah blah… but I can’t do anything more. We can’t seem to make a baby, and we can’t [currently] do anything more to fix that.

Growing up, I was taught that if I wanted something, I should make a plan and work hard to execute that plan in order to achieve my goal. Because of the work ethic that’s been instilled in me, I’ve pretty much gotten everything I’ve ever wanted. But with this goal - the most important goal, the thing I want more than anything in the world - I have no control and that’s driving me fucking insane!!

So instead of focusing on what I cannot control, I’ve decided to focus on things I can control. I can work hard to make some extra income. I can get creative about how to raise funds for treatment. I can work to be healthy and follow my doctor’s instructions. I can live for today instead of lamenting over the past and worrying about the future. This last one is a challenge, but I’m trying - and that’s all I can do…

Side note: IUI #2 was Thursday. We will know April 14 if it was successful. Hooray for yet another TWW...

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Quoted: “There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called Yesterday and the other is called Tomorrow. Today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.” ― Dalai Lama XIV Listen In: “When a Heart Breaks” by Ben Rector