Your plans don't matter
You have an idea of how things are gonna go. We’ll get married; we’ll buy a house; we’ll have kids. The “kids” part is a high priority. After all, you’ve been told that after your surgery you only have about 5-6 years to have kids (that was 4 years ago). So you do what you’re supposed to do: eat healthy, download an app, take the vitamins, track your BBT, count your cycle days, take the ovulation tests, count your DPOs, take the test… and on and on for months. Every month is a waiting game... and it gets harder with every passing cycle.
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Then, one day - one very special day after 8 months of trying - you get what your heart has been waiting for! A positive, a plus sign, the word “pregnant!” Your prayers have been answered (and on Father’s Day of all days). Your hopes and dreams are coming true! You share the news with your closest family and friends (but not with the whole world, not yet), and they’re pumped!
You immediately begin to wonder and ask questions: What will he or she look like? Will he/she be athletic (and insanely competitive) like Dad? Or will he/she be a total brainiac? Will he/she love music like Mom? Of course they will! What will we name him/her? Will he/she have Mom’s nose or Dad’s nose? So. Many. Questions. and endless daydreams of what the future holds. You start a secret Pinterest board where you can save mommy tips, articles, blogs, and ideas for the nursery. Every night, you speak softly to the sweet soul growing inside your belly, “Mama is gonna love you and keep you safe. I promise.”
Then, there are some weird, concerning symptoms. So you wait in the ER for 7 hours… alone. You’re finally checked out and the ER doc says, “We can see the gestational sac, but your hormone levels are lower than they should be. Perhaps we haven’t counted the weeks correctly. Let’s check in a couple of days to make sure your levels are increasing like they should.”
Two days later, that sweet soul that you swore to protect is taken from you - violently ripped away - and there’s nothing you can do to protect him/her (like you promised). You’re devastated and in complete denial. This can’t be happening… this isn’t supposed to happen. Why God? Why is this happening to us? What did we do wrong? What did we do to deserve this?
And then, you have to tell your family and friends… Not only is your heart breaking, but their hearts are breaking too. My husband had to tell his parents because I just couldn't - it was just too hard.
It takes months to feel somewhat close to normal again, but you know there’s never going back to “normal.” Going to doctors appointments wreaks havoc on your heart. All those women and their cute little bumps… all the precious baby announcements plastered all over the waiting room. Even getting on social media can be a struggle. It’s hard to say the least.
And while people mean well (and I’m so appreciative for their support), hearing things like:
“At least it was early.”
“At least you got pregnant.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“When you finally have a baby, you’ll get over it.”
“You just need to find a way to move on and be happy again.”
...it doesn’t help. A sweet hug and a simple “I’m sorry” would have been nice.
It’s been 6 months since we lost our angel and now we’re on to the next phase of our journey: fertility testing. One year of trying without a successful pregnancy = infertility. Hooray for yet another fucking label...
July 8 was the worst day of my life - but it wasn’t the end of my life. We’re hopeful that these tests will give us some answers on where to go from here. I have good days, and I have bad, sad, and sobby days. My heart is still healing from the loss; but honestly, I don’t know that it will ever be the same…
Through this experience, I’ve learned a lot about myself, my marriage, and other people. I have learned to have greater compassion for others and for myself. And I have learned that my plans don’t matter. There is a plan that is greater than anything I could ever imagine. I have to believe that; I have to trust that.
Quoted: “You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.” - Johnny Depp
Listen In: “Heaven” by Beyonce